Futeki
by Mord5ith
Summary: Fear, makes you stop thinking. It makes you realize what and who you really care about, but it makes you destroy everything the ones you love. When you’re afraid, your life becomes a living hell. AU. English's not my first language.


I don't know why I wrote this. I wrote it sometime ago, when I had problems with my pregnancy. Now my child is born. She's 2 days old. Clorinda Aida, that's her name. Guess I have to change my nickname. I chose Clorinda because I just love the Clorinda in "Gerusalemme Liberata", written by Tasso. And Aida like my twin, who died when we were a week old. :D

Well... about the story. I decided to post this. Don't really know why. But, well... I think I was really really depressed, and this story wrote itself.

* * *

She had never though she could feel like this. She had always fancied her to be the kind of girl –woman- that would never feel like this.

She had fought hollows and arracars, she had defeated the 9th espada. She had held her chin high against a vizard out of control. And yet, she had never been this paralyzed with fear before. Never this frightened.

She felt like dieing. Just ten times worse.

Her lungs were filled with billions of punctures, her throat hurt, not letting air in. She felt cold and numb. So much colder and number than that night, when she had killed the first shinigami who had ever treated her like a friend, a comrade.

She couldn't blink nor speak. Her mind was blank. Her features void of any emotion, yet if you observed her closely, you could see the fear in her eyes, as the blood kept rushing out from her most intimate part.

She was losing her baby. Her baby girl.

"Rukia!" An orange haired man called out for her, but she couldn't hear him, the fear covered her like a thick blanket of snow, crimson red from the blood she shed. She didn't feel his arm wrapping around her, the warmth of his body didn't envelope her like the usual. He carried her in the car, his movements frantic, as he covered her in a blanket (a real one), whispering sweet things in her ear. Saying her that everything was ok, that she did not have to worry, that everything will be alright.

Every sound was drowned out.

And she was drowning without the will to survive.

Consciousness faded away before the engine started.

* * *

"Rukia…" a voice called gently, "Rukia, wake up, darling. You need to eat."

She cringed mentally. _Darling._She wasn't like that. She wasn't the sweet sweetie wife wifey (if it had sense). She wasn't _honey_, nor _sweetheart_, nor _baby_ and she was sure as hell she wasn't _darling_.

"Don't pretend you're sleeping, midget." A gruffer voice shook her from her slumber.

She opened her eyes, slowly, to find out an upset nurse that looked horrified her husband. He seemed tired, so tired that even his scowl seemed less pronounced. There was deep worry in his eyes and a forced grin that made him appear in pain.

"Baka…" she replied softly. She lied in a hospital bed in a white yukata. She had never felt so helpless. "Is she…" a hearth wrenged sobs stopped her words.

"No!" he replied as fast as he could. "She's ok. She's strong… like you."

She wasn't feeling strong right now. But she couldn't hide the hope in her eyes.

"She… ok?"

"Yes, she's ok. Now you have to stay strong for the both of you, ok? Here, eat. And no more hollow slaughtering!" He playfully scolded her.

But she could feel the guilt cloud her mind. She was the mother who had almost killed her own daughter, before she was even born. How could this man love her, after what she had almost done? It was her fault. His daughter could die because of her.

Her gaze never met his.

* * *

Two months.

She had not spoken for two months. She had not moved for two months. She was a broken shell.

Her child was alive. And she was so scared to do something wrong that could endarnger her, that she didn't dare move a muscle.

Two months.

He had not slept in his bed for two months. Not dared to touch his wife. She was slowly fading in front of him, and he couldn't stop it. The pregnancy was going ok, but he just wanted to scream.

* * *

She was born in Autumn.

She was perfect.

She attracted more hollow than a hollow bait, but she was their girl, and they were fine with fighting almost non-stop until Urahara figured something out.

* * *

She's a daddy girl.

His father has always spoiled her, and he would always call her _Hime-chan_ that means _Little Princess._ And together they would play for hours. She would always pretend to be a princess locked away in a castle, and her father would be the prince who set her free.

* * *

She wished she could know more about her mother.

She is always out of town for work. But when she comes home she has always that warm air around her and the sweet smell every mom has.

Her mother's nickname for her is _Futeki_. It means _Fearless_. She has always taught her to not be afraid. "Fear," she would say, "makes you stop thinking. It makes you realize what and who you really care about, but it makes you destroy everything and the ones you love. When you're afraid, your life becomes a living hell."

* * *

When they die, there's nothing to be afraid for. They're dead. Period.

Soul Society decide to train her, even if she's underage and alive. She would make a perfect shinigami, they said.

Her uncle tries, but there's nothing he can do to stop the law.

* * *

She never finds out how fear really feels like.

She never had something to really live for.

She falls soundlessly, like Death Gods are supposed to.


End file.
